CHOOSE RANT

Title:   Letting Go Day:    July 13th, 1997 Author:  Ruiner Song in my Head:  'Moonchild', by Chris Cornell " Come on Moonchild.   You're so far away tonight.   The door is falling open,   And we're flying wild.   Come on Moonflower.   You're so far away from now.   You could bloom forever in the hour. " Chris Cornell, ex-frontman for Soundgarden, is notorious for catchy song choruses. I may not give a damn what the song is truly about, but he writes a chorus and I walk around singing it all day. I'm honestly glad he survived the breakup of the band.				Be prepared. I think this is another down-myself kind of rant. I really hated taking down the last one, the Year of Fire, because I felt that it was so true. I wanted everyone to read and see what I meant. But now, I turn the gaze inward again... Letting Go. It's a difficult term which some of you may not immediately realize. Those who do are probably the same type of person I am, those who cling to the images of lost loves for way longer than they should. Yes, I firmly admit that I have had an impossibly hard time letting go of previous girlfriends. And it's not just the most recent one. No, my problem has turned into some mythical beast sporting about five or six heads. Why is it that I refuse to launch into the future, when I can torture myself just as easily remembering the past? Before I really get rolling, I'd like everyone to know that I am not bitter to any previous girlfriends. (Well okay, Kim, yeah I'm still a bit pissed, but I'd probably still date you...) I would like to say that I have fairly good relations with most all of these girls. I still try to talk to them, write them, find out what's going on in their lives. Perhaps there lies the problem. If I would just get them out of my mind, then hey, life goes on, right? Y'know, I carry around this picture album that is comprised almost totally of past girls I've dated. A few pictures of my true friends, which should mean more to me than these females, but it's not like I ever use a camera. And I show these to people like some trophy. 'Hey, i used to date her. Wasn't she pretty?' If I'm feeling too happy about myself, I flip open the book and look at Kathy or Chrystal and go, Damn... Loser. I guess what could be stirring this up is that my most recent ex, Alissa, is getting married in a few months. It's a shock to the senses when someone you left plans on getting hitched, and you really haven't recovered socially enough to start dating again. I know we're talking two years, and I have dated some. But they haven't been quality dates. Someone I could really talk to, or hold in my arms. I guess the stupid realization is that if you were looking for that, why'd you break up with her in the first place? I like to chide myself and think, 'I'm concerned about her marriage because I care about her. I don't want to see her get hurt.' Funny, I didn't think that two years ago when I dropped her cold, out of the blue. She's getting married to this guy who I'm really neutral towards. Not my type of person. Not me. And I've heard bad things about him, but that's from people who would gladly tell me these things, just to make me happy. But he's apparently smart enough to realize a good situation and capitalize on it. Last year was something of a year of closure for me, or so I thought. Heck, I went to California to see Chrystal get married. Her husband is a great guy, and I wish both of them the best. Even kept myself occupied with her cute cousin, Laura. Did it last? No. But I did get an interesting trip to Kentucky out of the deal. Overall, did I cleanse Chrystal out of my system? Not completely. I still vividly remember times from college, moments we shared, the misery I endured. Hard to let go of things that shaped and scarred me like that. I called Kathy up to see how she was doing. Talking on the phone, I felt nothing that would cause me to go running up to D.C. again. Of course, as things always went with her, I see her, I melt. Guess I won't travel there if I can help it. I don't know. I guess everything is pushed by the fact that I can't seem to get out and meet new women anymore. My reserves of people my friends know is depleted. The crowds I hang in at clubs are these hard-to-reach gothic girls that I'm not sure if I could tolerate anymore. The women I've worked with, although very friendly and attractive, are also very married. And I'm not going back to those old habits... And do I really need a woman now, when finances are tight, and I've got enough to worry about with my home situation? Maybe not. But seeing my friends (collectively, not any particulars) happy with their spouses or girlfriends... well it makes me jealous, envious. I did the same to them, years ago when I had the steady stream of girlfriends. Guess I'm due. So, looking back, I guess I give myself some advice. Ditch the photo album. Those women meant a lot to you, but they've all moved on. Do the same. There will be more to come, as long as you don't stress about it. And as far as Alissa goes, I'm wishing her well on the wedding. I thought of confronting her and making sure she was looking forward to this, sure she was doing the right thing. But then, she always knew what she wanted... B.Mooney