Still I fend off this spiralling whirlpool that threatens to suck me under. Is it the weather? I don't know. Gray skies like dirty cotton strewn across the atmosphere. No sun, but no rain. In a way it invigorates me. Makes me want to ride a motorcycle or bike or do something out of doors. I sat on my side porch yesterday just soaking in the gray. But it could be a cause behind my moodiness. I know it drags others down.

For me, it makes me remember, as I had said in Change of Seasons. It's ten years ago. I've just met Chrystal. We're at college at NCSU. My whole life and career is before me, and I get to know the one I've probably loved the most over my dating history. Life is good. But life goes downhill.

Oh that story? Yeah, I guess I could relate it all, medieval-style.

A decade ago, our protagonist went to NCSU with plans to go through the Computer Science curriculum. There were five freshmen on the floor that had attended the same high school. It made it easier in getting to know people. Brian's first roommate and he had spent a lot of time over with the other guys and gotten to know their upper classmen advisor. A cool young man by name of Gene. And he had a girlfriend, Chrystal. But he was unhappy. It seems he wanted to be free, and he had seen Brian and one of the other guys talking to his woman. They were all becoming fast friends, as she was a freshman just like them. So Gene encourages the two to hang out with her, because he plans to break up and wants her to have friends to fall back on. His plan works, and Keith, Chrystal and Brian are a pretty good trio.

Well Brian will admit that he can be fast to form affection. Chrystal was very attractive, with long reddish-brown hair and a shapely figure. And her perky personality - sensible yet very upbeat - drew him in. Brian knew he liked her, but she had just broken up with Gene. The last thing she'd want to do would be to rebound right into another relationship, more specifically into his arms. Right?

Wrong. It would turn out that she was the type who would always have a man. And she had some new friends to hang out with and perhaps cultivate a relationship with. Would she choose Brian, who was already enamored and had proclaimed this to her? No, no, she would choose Keith. The trio had now become a couple and a third person to tag along. We can return to those fateful scenes. Keith and Chrystal had danced together the night before, but foolishly Brian was not really interested in dancing. And the next day, they were all relaxing in Keith's room watching a movie. The two of them were on the carpet, and during the film they gravitated towards each other. First they neared, then their hands came together. Brian was horrified - all of this had happened as he watched and foolishly bided his time.

He couldn't endure the pain (remember, he was eighteen at the time), so a poor excuse was made and he returned to his room. Thankfully Brian's roommate was home for the weekend, so he could act pitiful all to himself. It didn't take too long before Chrystal came calling to his room. She had known that Brian wanted her, and she knew he would take this poorly. She tried to console him but he wouldn't let her, he couldn't let her. Her and Keith were both his good friends, and even though it tore him apart, he wanted them to both be happy. He wanted to be a supportive friend, not a jealous one.

Brian recovered and tried to make his own plans. He had friends among the other men, but they lacked common ground. That's why he and Keith meshed, and why they would eventually become roommates. Brian did not want to spend his hours around the new couple. He wanted to allow them space, allow them time to spend together so they could grow and experience their new love. Would this be what they wanted? Apparently not. Probably out of guilt, they sought to include Brian in everything. A good trio beforehand, why not keep it going? And Brian was unable to take the time to get over his loss. So out of a feeling of obligation he accompanied them, spending lots of time with them, and fought against demons of jealousy and envy all the way.

Not that Keith and Chrystal made it easy. They weren't an ideal couple, in his opinion. He was purebred Southern Gentleman, she was Independent California Female. There were funny instances where he would hold the door for her (a habit Brian has as well), and she would purposely move to open a different door to walk through. This was the tip of the iceberg as these differences would drive deeper and be the force behind some strong arguments. They still had their sickeningly sweet moments, like planning out what their children's names would be, months to get married in, etc. But they would fight and escape one another to let off some steam.

There was a problem in this series of events. Chrystal would get upset, many times needing a friend or at least a shoulder to cry on. But she hadn't spent a lot of time making female friends. So who would she turn to? Her best friend Brian, of course. And it killed him inside, having to comfort her but not being able to have her. His honor would prevail, as he would talk her through it and help her work things out with Keith. Amazing.

So the relations continued. They would love. They would fight. And faithful Brian would always be there, for he too was an introvert and didn't make new friends easily. And as a side note, none of them did well in school. Brian knew not how to properly study, and had lost most of his heart for attending class. And we exit to Winter Break, with Keith and Brian staying in North Carolina while Chrystal does time in Kentucky with grandparents.

When school resumes, Chrystal has put Keith on probation. She doesn't want their fights to continue, and she wants some distance to evaluate things and figure how to work them out. Keith is miserable and will not stand for it. This rift ends the relationship dead, and final. Unfortunately Chrystal can not easily distance herself from the trio. Having the same curriculum as Brian, she has arranged to take some of the same classes as him. It's not so bad since the two of them remain friends, even through the splintering triangle.

Once again, Brian faces a moral dilemma. Tortured though he was, he never gave up his feelings for Chrystal. He merely subdued them, becoming like a brother to her. Now things had changed and those feelings began to revert to their original intentions. But Keith was now his roommate, and he and Chrystal couldn't stand to be around one another. And within his group of friends they all knew of the breakup. To make moves on her would look very bad for Brian. What would our protagonist do?

Well, he could not deny his heart, and so he pursued this girl from California. Once things worked out, right around Valentine's Day, it was fast and furious. Brian's reputation darkened among his peers, but he cared not for he had the woman. But did he really have her? In truth, she admitted that she was burned out from trying with Keith. Even though things could have been ideal with Brian, she could not truly fall for him the way that she did with his roommate. And this crippled Brian. For he had captured the elusive prize and learned that it was wondrous, but it was not his to keep.

Distance began between the two. She spent time with another on a different floor, a lesser man who had craved her from the start. She could not bear to be around Keith, and perhaps she was wary of spending too much time with Brian. There were fights as Brian fought to keep from losing the girl, probably driving her further away. Was there ever a real ending to their relations, or did it just fade away? For one of them, it may have never faded away.

Enter times of great depression (and great alcohol consumption). School had been forsaken, meaningless when compared to the pursuit of happiness. Some friends thought Brian a betrayer, even though he had tried to remain the gentleman for so long. Others worried as Brian's mood grew darker and darker. There was fear that he might choose to end his suffering by ending his life. A career of college was doomed, as the university would decree him unfit to continue. This suited Brian, as he cared not to return to the source of his failure.

Keith would continue one with his studies, changing majors and eventually graduating and getting married. Brian never returned to college, nor did Chrystal. Poor grades and health issues forced her to return to California. There was no happy ending for them, at least not yet.

But one of them still foolishly hopes.