CHOOSE RANT

Title:   Rage Road Day:    March 8th, 2000 Author:  Ruiner				In realizing that the original rant I wrote was no longer accessible on the web, I have decided to revisit a fun topic. Something that holds a little bit of hell down in my heart, and many of you out there. Driving. Sure, I love to drive. As a commuter, I'd better have some kind of interest in it. For me, it's a chance to listen to my music, keeping everything fresh in my head. And I love my music. Hell, I've invested much more into my car stereo than into a home system. And it's something about that control I have in my auto. I decide where to go. I feel safe when I'm behind the wheel, as opposed to some people I ride with. And hey, no one gets to smoke in my car. My friends are just waiting 'til I acquire a smoking girlfriend and see if that rule gets tossed out the window. But driving can be such utter hell sometimes. And like most things wrong with the world, I'll blame it on the stupid people. There are way too many people out there, many of them elderly, who have no right to be on the road. No, the road shouldn't be some kill-or-be-killed arena where only the strong and quick of reflex survives (although I'd be one of the top contenders, I must say). But the highways are not the place for sightseeing, i.e. your 'Sunday drivers'. I swear some old drivers I get behind must be coping with Alzheimers disease as they go, trying to remember what planet they're on while navigating a turn. Here's my mandate: Once you reach that golden age of sixty-five, your driver's license is automatically retired. Revoked. You got it, no more driving for you. I don't care what you scored on the eye test, or how many years you've been behind the wheel. This young whippersnapper would gladly shuttle you to your last-stop rest home if it would mean you don't get to crawl out in front of him while he's doing fifty-five down the Boulevard. My great-grandmother, bless her amnesiatic soul, is around ninety-five years in age, and they just finally took her license away a few years ago. She couldn't hear anymore. Just the thought of her out on the roads scared the wits out of me. I know our road system devours tons of cash, and it's difficult to keep any good workers out there. But I'm really thinking we need to do something. Let's get these damned transfer trucks, flatbed trailers, service trucks, all of them, onto a different set of roads. I respect our truck drivers. Having the pleasure of working in a shipping warehouse, I got to deal with them firsthand. They have lots of hard working people out there. But they are consistently pushed on a nightmarish schedule, promised bonuses if they cut time to get their freight to its destination. This of course leads to drivers who are low on sleep (and being a frequent nearly-asleep-at-the-wheel person, I know how frightening that can be). Or maybe they're not sleepy, because they've taken some amphetamines to keep their drive up (yes, I've seen it). Either way, these trucks scare the crapola out of me. You don't worry about them? Head out west in North Carolina into the mountains on Interstate 40… in the rain. And when you're on that two lane road going downhill at a quick pace, and the truck next to you looks dangerously close to the dotted white line, think about what I say. Put them on another road. There's no way they'll limit them to better hours. Big business would be hurt too much by restricted scheduling. And let me just say on a local note: there is no reason whatsoever that these mobile home companies should be sending out their trucks during morning rush hour traffic. Normal trucks I can handle, but these things are transporting doublewide houses and they take up about one-and-a-half lanes, and there's always some person, usually a grandma, riding in the passing lane but too scared to take that chance. And so the traffic behind gets backed up, ending in some kinda jam. Maybe I should stage an early morning housejacking to make them rethink their hours. Should I tell people what to do? Maybe. I'm an experienced driver, and of course I have my opinions. How about some 'Suggestions for Driving'… 1. If you insist on using your cell phone while driving, pull over to the side of the road and talk. If the call is so important that it cannot wait, then its obviously more important than getting to your destination. 2. As my roommate suggests, use your damned turn signal. If you slow down in front of me for no apparent reason and then veer off into a driveway, you run good risk of getting hit. An even bigger risk of receiving 'the finger'. 3. Do not tailgate me. I drive at a decent speed, and if there is opportunity I will pull over and let you by. If you follow too closely and I can not see your headlights in my rearview mirror… well see rule number two above about risks. 4. Do not block the lefthand lane (also known as the fast lane). If you don't like to drive at the posted speed limit, use the right hand lanes for slower traffic. Rarely will I say this, but Conform, dammit! If you see me barrelling down behind you, chances are you drive too slow and should courteously move into another lane. 5. When driving on multiple lanes, do not try to match the speed of the car beside you. Multiple lanes are there because people tend to drive at different speeds, and it allows some of us to move around slower drivers. If you foil our attempts for excess of five minutes, you get the finger. Heh. 6. Never drink and drive. I know it's been said a lot, but with good reason. If you are too weak-willed to allow yourself to drive instead of a designated driver, and you go out in the road and kill one of my friends, you will meet me. I will be the man giving you the colon probe with the vodka bottle. And then they'll have perform an emergency tracheatomy to get the beer can unlodged from your throat. Just a warning. 7. Occasionally check your turn signal to make sure it is turned off. Even I miss it once in a while, but not for eighteen flipping miles… 8. When passing an accident or a car pulled over by local law enforcement, ignore them. See as much as you can without hitting the brakes. Some of you love to see a horrorshow, but if you slow traffic to a crawl to get your jollies, you'll see a different kind of horrorshow, firsthand. 9. If you are age sixty-five or older, and you meet the requirements for one of Ed McMahon's commercials, please report to your local DMV office. Tell the man that the Ruiner has declared you unfit for driving and you represent a threat to your area. Thank you. I was gonna do ten, but time is up for me. Enough bitching for now. Drive safely. B.Mooney