CHOOSE RANT

Title:   Unhealth Day:    April 11th, 2000 Author:  Ruiner				A break from the anger (maybe). Something where I delve into more esoteric concerns. Way back when I started this rant section, back when it was just a small part of Ye Old' Ruined Halls, I wrote much smaller rants. They're still on the site, small three or four paragraph things. Back when I wasn't as verbose, wasn't as wordy, I wrote a tidbit about living life to the fullest. It's like one of my core philosophies, and now I have reason to reiterate the point. Nothing like a health scare to get you motivated, right? We had a few things go on recently that just makes you sit back and think. One friend's father passed away suddenly. Another friend up and had a seizure on us without provocation or warning. The neurologist was never quite able to determine exactly what happened. And then there was me. If I havent' shared it, my family history is rife with heart disease and other health oddities. Nothing I usually stress about. But then I find something odd, and I get it checked out. Next thing you know, I'm visiting a specialist, making sure that I don't have something cancerous in my body. The good word - there's nothing really wrong. My tests turned out just fine (and oh, what unpleasant tests they were). But it is enough to make you worry, and to make you appreciate what you have good in life. It's sobering to think that as you get older, your chances of survival keep decreasing. We were just talking about it in sign language class a while back. Everyone's hearing decreases as they get older, starting from day one. Babies can hear sounds down in the zero decibel range, something none of us adults can do. As you age, it breaks down. Same with vision, something that I know very well. Sad to say, but the Marilyn Manson song 'Minute of Decay' has some truth. "The minute that we're born, We begin to die…" Of course, the thought is colored by his ultra-negative opinions, what would you expect? I got the good word and it lifted this immense weight off of me. Before the news, part of me was convinced that my little discovery was nothing really important. More of a nuisance rather than something that could harm me. But deep down, somewhere in that realm that causes my bouts of depression, I worried that I had something that would be terminal. It could be the inherited hypochondria passed down by my mother. My tendency to dream up some worst-case scenario, especially when it comes to my life. When I would sit down by myself, I would think about 'what if this kills me, or puts a true hurting on my lifestyle?' Grim thoughts indeed. I hate getting all morbid here. You know it's not my intention to depress you, worrying about mortality and all. But there is that human question: " What if I died tomorrow?" No, I don't care about the afterlife or any of that endless debate. I'm thinking more of accomplishments and those you leave behind. I have not been in love for a few years now. I have never been married. I have no children to be proud of. I have not finished my book and had it published. I have never left the country I live in. I haven't taken that cruise I desperately want to take. I have not reached my potential in my career. I've never tried to go back and finish college. I haven't played in a truly 'virtual reality' environment like I know will come about. I haven't read the end of book series by George R.R. Martin, Stephen King, and others. There are lots of things left undone… But then again: I have held onto a group of intelligent and very good friends. I have earned respect amongst my peers for various things, ranging from my generally good nature to my passing ability with computers. I have lived through very memorable relationships with women that I still call friends. I have made my very faint mark upon the web world with pages back since late 1996. And I'm sure there are other things I can feel good about, but I was never really into self-praise. I do not feel bad about my life. There are certain choices, of course, that I wish I had made. Everyone has regrets - it comes from being non-perfect beings who can't see into the future. I have my share, and a few extra helpings at times. But you can't go on beating yourself about the head about something that you can't change. It's unfair to yourself. And really, if things had happened differently, then everything in your life could have changed. Personally, I couldn't risk giving up some of the relationships I've earned. For once, I'm actually secure in my relations with most of my friends. I just can't say enough about the great group I have. Even those I don't get to see as much, for distance or the paths that have kept us apart. Occasionally rifts will occur within the group dynamic. One person will get irritated or fed up with another, but usually they will come back into the fold. We've had our share of crises recently, but it just reaffirms my faith in our ability to band together. And my group of friends? We're stronger than any opposition on this planet. [And just a side note: Alan, if you read this, contact somebody here in N.C. We're concerned about you, and have considered assaulting L.A. to locate our lost homie.] This rant has been full of divergence. I hope some of the theme came through. Some days, it can be pretty tough to hold onto my mantra, the whole 'Live for the Day' idea. Anyways, I've got a new version of the mantra, something much easier to abide by: "Live For the Paycheck". B.Mooney